I’d like to discuss further and before I do I’d like to thank my coaching school, ICA, for their assistance and inspiration for this article.
Confidence does not mean having a big fat ego. Confidence doesn’t mean you think more of yourself thank others. Confidence doesn’t mean you are better than the next person. All of these feelings and thoughts are the result of low self esteem.
Low self esteem = low levels of confidence = low personal power
Throughout the media and over time we have come to think of confidence and ego as the same things. With this confusion around the notion of confidence we have learnt to believe certain things about what confidence is and the mindset associated with it. If we see it as having a big ego then it is understandable that we think someone who has a big ego might look confident.
The challenge is to remove the filters and glasses that support you in seeing people in this way and put on the new refreshing optimal vision glasses. Ego is lacking confidence and mental strength. At the moment when a person begins to lack confidence, they begin to feel doubt. They step outside of themselves to seek recognition. This is also the time when their ego appears.
Confidence looks like this: Open to new things; See your self as part of others; Grateful; Moving forward; Positively Energized; Acknowledging; Self loving and caring; and Strong and powerful and as Cesar Millan would say, “Calm assertive.”
Confidence is gained by many means. We feel confident when we achieve personal goals that are aligned with our values and beliefs. When we lack confidence we are indecisive and uncertain. We doubt ourselves. Making decisions makes us confident and develops a mental strength mindset. It is making a choice. We don’t need to make decision making difficult as there is no wrong or right, there are no absolutes. We learn from everything we do. In making a decision think about what is best for you at that moment. You will gain great insights from your intuition.
Use your inner strength and make the decision and move forward. Every step you take in moving forward will give great confidence and increase your personal power. Think of a young child as they take their first step. They hesitate initially, fearful of what might happen. Once they realize that nothing bad is going to happen they take another step, and then another. If you have observed this, you will know that their face starts to change from one of fear to uncertainty to intrigue to joy and then sheer excitement with lots of screams and giggles included. Adults standing by cheer them along. This boosts their confidence to take another step. Their support team is beside them, believing in them and celebrating their forward movement. They are achieving something new. There is no turning back now. They will keep practicing this skill and they continue to feel more and more confident. Their fears disappear to such an extent that parents sometimes have to grab them as they walk anywhere, over edges of balconies, etc. The sky is the limit for them. If a child never took their first step we would be concerned about them. We would think that perhaps there is something developmentally wrong with them.
So why don’t we apply this thinking to ourselves?
Moving forward and taking that first step can be a little nerve racking at times but once we move past this fear, the feeling is sheer joy and exhilaration. Think of what you look like when you reach your full potential and expand in your personal growth.
Now take the first step to achieving it. Trusting yourself is part of taking the first step. Trust your internal guidance system to take you to where you need to go, to achieve your life’s purpose.
Self love and Self management are a set of behaviors. Self love is the philosophy underpinning these behaviors. A confident person is comfortable in his or her own skin. They are comfortable with their values and therefore are able to live aligned to their values. They operate from a perspective of gratitude, love and personal power for the wonderful life they have been given.
By loving ourselves we give others permission to love themselves. Self love is a challenge and a journey. In the “crowded room of life”, our sense of self can be buffeted and rocked by the images, ideas and messages coming at us.
Unfortunately many of these messages either intentionally or unintentionally tell us that we are not good enough or that we are not worthy of being loved. Countering these messages to nurture self love requires mental strength and focus. We need personal goals and to plan and manage activities that build self love in the same way that we plan and manage anything that is important in our lives. Confidence comes from self love. When we go out of ourselves for recognition then ego steps in. To remain confident we need to believe in ourselves.
By practicing self management and nurturing self love, we are able to reframe our unhelpful perspectives and live within a good place. If you live from a good place, believing that all is right with the world, even with its problems – you will be able to live in peace because everything is fine the way it is. So here is the confidence equation.
Confidence = Self management
Self management = Self awareness + Self belief + Self love
Personal Power = Confidence
Self care – Those of us who have ever travelled on a plane will be familiar with the safety warning that tells us that, in the event of an emergency, we should organize our own oxygen first before assisting others with theirs. Airlines all around the world give this message. They know that many people’s natural inclination will be to help others first, even if they have to go without life-giving air to do it!!
They also know that unless people look after their own safety first, they will be of no use to those around them. This is a useful metaphor for many aspects of our life. Unless we take care of ourselves, by making sure we have enough “oxygen” to sustain us, we are of little use to those around us.
This “oxygen” might consist of getting enough rest, maintaining a good diet, exercising, mental training and being aligned with our own values. When these things are in order, we operate in a space from which we can then comfortably give to others without becoming depleted ourselves. When management of the self goes out the window, doubt comes in the door. When our “oxygen” is low, we find it hard to maintain our re-framed perspectives and the old unhelpful perspectives start to rear their ugly heads once again. With peak human performance self management is not an option!
Self management activities should be planned, be part of your personal goals and turned into regular habits. If you have a problematic limiting belief in this area then gain support from a coach or friend. Ask him or her to support you in your self care. Through self care we gain self management. Through self management we gain self leadership. Through self leadership we feel confident, and with the mindset of confidence we can reach our peak personal performance.
Describe how you feel and look when you are confident. What would be the reason for trying to prove yourself to someone? What do you think you will look like and feel when you achieve your vision? Write down the steps you need to take to feel fully confident.
To be continued…
If you’d like to improve your mindset, confidence and personal performance grab a copy of, “Develop the Mental Strength of a Warrior” now. It will affect the way you think and act, so that you can live up to your ultimate personal power!
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OK…what are your thoughts about confidence and the ego? Please let me know in the comments below.
- Mental Strength Tip #23 – Criticism vs. Advice (warriormindcoach.com)
- Shared Thoughts on Personal Power (warriormindcoach.com)
- You’re Going To Have To Face It, You’re Addicted To Thoughts (warriormindcoach.com)
- Mental Strength Tip #24 – You Do Have A Choice (warriormindcoach.com)
- Personal Power – Are You Really The Best You Can Be? (warriormindcoach.com)
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