Relationships can be the source of personal success and can account for most regrets in life and potentially bring 
about fear. So here’s a mental strength exercise that we did last night at “Beyond Limits” (at SCL in San Jose).
We looked at a topic or theme in relationships and found that many healthy communications can be find there roots in “love and/or affinity.” Now, I want to make clear the when I say love this is not romantic, infatuation or other emotions around physical love. This love is more a deep, unconditional respect for the individual. This is why the word ‘affinity’ is used as well.
So, in Step 1 create a list of common miscommunication scenarios. Simply make 6 lists for relationships were love and/or affinity….fill in the 6 reaming phrases below.
Step 1:
Love and/or Affinity…
- Should be present but is not
- Is present as something else (there’s something just not right)
- Has been lost
- Is not fully expressed
- Has been given up on
- May not be great, but it’s as good as it’s going to get
Step 2:
Now make take a separate piece of paper and make a unique list for each of the above scenarios with columns for relationships between two individuals (or perhaps a group).
Between Between Between
Me and “Them” “Them” and Me Others and Others
You will end up with six lists.
For example you would have one list entitled “Relationships were love and/or affinity should be present but is not.”
Step 3:
Then under each column header write the names of people/relationships that fall into that category…knowing this is only your perspective.
For example:
Between Between Between
Me and “Them” “Them” and Me Others and Others
i.e. Sally (girlfriend) i.e. Paul (coworker) i.e. Sam & Rose (married)
Got it?
Now do this for all 6 lists in Step 1. You should end up with 6 separate list with three columns and names in each of the columns.
Step 4:
Write the following statement down:
“The results I want my communication to produce with (a) ________ is (b) ________. The results I actually produce is (c) ________.”
Then fill in the blanks with the people from your lists, at least for the ‘you to them’ & ‘them to you’ names.
Example:
“The results I want my communication to produce with (a) Sally is (b) a intimate relationship. The results I actually produce is (c) arguments”
Or (for business related)
The results I want my communication to produce with (a) Paul is (b) a trustworthy relationship. The results I actually produce is (c) superficial”
To make it easy to keep track of you can use this format in reference to each relationship.
A.
B.
C.
So, now it’s your turn…go ahead…in few moments this will all come together…I promise!
Step 5:
Next, answer the following for the each person in reference to step 4.
What’s my explanation for my communication not producing the results I want?
Example
“The reason why I’m not getting the results from my communication with Sally is I’ve tried but I can be responsible for how she responds.”
Or
“The reason why I’m not getting the results from my communication with Paul is I’ve tried but he just doesn’t listen or understand.”
Again, do this for all the people on your lists. Perhaps to help expedite this process select the one or two relationships that if they were working would produce the biggest positive change in your life.
Almost finished…hand in there!
Step 6:
Attached vs. Committed
The solution! Finally were here…you might not like it though…it might take a lot of mental strength for you accept this on, but come on…I know you can do it!
The reason why most communication doesn’t work is that we are more attached to our reason then committed to the relationship!
Read this again… The reason why most communication doesn’t work is that we are more attached to our reason then committed to the relationship!
This goes hand in hand with a NLP presupposition that states, “The response you get is the meaning of the communication.”
Go back and read again all your reasons why your communication and relationship isn’t working…you’ll find that these reason are typical of non-commitment.
I know…I know…you’re probably saying something like “I am too committed to my wife/husband If only they could see my side of the story”
So, if you truly are committed to a specific relationship you will find ways to communicate your message so that the response is equal to or in alignment to message you are delivering instead of targeting the other person.
You now have a choice…you can say, do and act in a way that demonstrates your commitment…or you can surrender that relationship and move on….the choice is yours.
I found this tool helpful and hope you have as well in your quest for personal success…after all, isn’t part of personal success great relationships?
Please let me know your thoughts in the comments below.
Related articles
- Mental Strength Tip #37 – The Art of Conversation and Personal Success (warriormindcoach.com)
Success in life is not about luck! It’s about managed thoughts, focused attention and deliberate action. Personal success and personal failure all start in the mind. Tap into the power of your unconsciousness mind and eliminate negative beliefs that have been holding back from reaching your personal goals.
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