Responsibility vs. Blame – Part II

In Responsibility vs. Blame Part I the core message was:

Cause = Responsibility = Freedom = Personal Empowerment

Effect = Blame = Loss of Freedom = Disempowerment

Today we’re going to be taking abut the blame game.

Once again, I’d like to thank again my wonderful coaching school ICA for contribution to this topic.

Responsibility is asking:

• How have I contributed to this situation?
• What can I learn from this?
• What can I now ?

In addition to the obvious personal empowerment taking responsibility brings it is also a great tool for realizing anger of anger and starting difficult conversations.

Contemplation and Use of Responsibility

To get you back into the mood of taking responsibility, pick three events in your life which you cannot – or will not – take full responsibility. It can be a marriage breakup, a car accident, or losing your job.

Find at least ONE way in which in each situation you acted as an Accomplice. (If you have forgotten what I mean by an Accomplice, check back to Part I)

Forgiveness Stops the Pain

Blame can be a trap. It keeps us in the past and robs us of our energy. Letting go of blame and forgiving others, and ourselves, doesn’t mean that we make whatever happened right, or that what did happen was OK. It simply means that we let go and embrace the present.

Forgiveness can be extremely selfish, but in a good way. Forgiveness has nothing to do with the other person, but it has everything to do with us. When we forgive someone, we release ourselves, and free ourselves from that person or situation. Blame is like holding a hot ember in our hand. The longer we hold it, the more it scorches and burns our hand. As soon as we let it go, the burning and the pain cease. The same is with forgiveness. As soon as we stop blaming and decide to forgive, we can let go of that which brings us pain, and embrace the possibility of something else.

Take Responsibility for Your Actions!

As much as the 1980’s was the “me” decade, the 1990’s proved to be the “not me” decade…possibly the current decade will prove to be the “lets take responsibility” decade. People want to be empowered and make their choices, but then refuse to take responsibility for the outcome.

It seems easier to blame an external source then to own one’s actions. Sure it’s true that there are things out of our control. However, what we do have control over is in our thoughts, the ability to make choices and how to respond.

For instance, if we decided to drive into a blinding snowstorm, is it the car’s fault that we get stuck in the snow? Or was it our own poor choice? No, we can’t control the weather, but what we can control is our decision about what we do within that context.

Instead of concentrating on the things we can control, we turn our attention toward and blame the things we cannot control.

Everyone makes mistakes. We are human. However, so often, we want to blame those mistakes on external conditions. When we focus and make decisions based on what we can control – primarily ourselves, our thoughts and our own actions – we can then feel like we did the best we could at that time. If we do make a mistake, we need to own up to it. Take responsibility for our part in it, learn from it, and move on.

Taking responsibility for our own actions can be freeing and liberating. It saves your energy because we don’t have to waste any time making excuses about what you did. By taking responsibility you build character and self-esteem. You build upon integrity, clarity and value.

One reason why we avoid taking responsibility is for fear of “getting caught” or punishment. It is our relentless avoidance of punishment that gets us in the worst trouble. If we just take responsibility for what we do, it is much easier in the long run.

Exercise on Reflection and Purpose

To get really clear on what self-responsibility means to you, take a piece of paper and write down: “Responsibility means to me….” Then as quickly as possible, without pausing for reflection, write as many endings to that sentence as you can in 2 or 3 minutes. Don’t worry if the endings are not literally true or make sense. Write anything down! Review this list and share it with your coach or someone close to you.

The Blame Game

Have you ever met a person who is never at fault?

They blame everything that happens in their life on someone else. Unfortunately, what we don’t realize when we play the Blame Game is that as long as we blame external conditions for what is happening to us, we have no control over our own lives. We become helpless victims of circumstance by choice. When we take back responsibility for our own lives, and the choices that we make, we become free. Blame keeps us from fully enjoying life and engaging in our lives.

When we have the mindset that responsibility as a privilege, instead of as a burden, we are truly awakened to the many possibilities in our lives.

Playing the Blame Game can become a consuming habit. If a person persists in maintaining that someone else or something is to blame for their problems, this perception can radically distort their view of reality. What makes the Blame Game such a threat is that it can become an integrated part of our thinking. If this is so, and others begin to think in the same way, then our culture at large can be affected by an eschewed reality.

How to Play the Blame Game

• Rule One: Always look outside of yourself for those responsible for doing “it” to you.
• Rule Two: Believe that you are powerless to change anything.
• Rule Three: Accept that others are stronger, smarter and more resourceful than you.

The Advantage of Playing the Blame Game

• You do not have to take responsibility for your life.
• Decisions are left up to everyone else.
• Life becomes easier because there are no choices to make; everyone else makes them for you.

How to Stop Playing the Blame Game

• Know that no one can do anything to you without your permission.
• Understand that responsibility is a privilege and start becoming responsible for yourself.
• Realize that not making a choice is making a choice.
• Who is to blame for the way things are in your life? If you answered anyone but yourself, take some time to reflect how this might be holding you back from truly living your life to its fullest potential.

From Blame to Responsibility

It isn’t always easy to see how we have contributed to a situation. Taking responsibility can be scary and yes it takes mental strength, but it can also be freeing.

Write down the current situations in your life where you are blaming someone else. Then write down what is your contribution to the situation. Now shift perspective. What choices could you make in your life to take responsibility?

1. Who are you blaming?
2. For what?
3. What part did you play?
4. What shift will have to occur in this situation?

Some Parting Questions

Taking a look back at Part I and now Part II, I’d like to finish with some questions that I hope will assist you in your personal development and personal empowerment.

1. Is there one Truth to who is responsible for something? Can you usually tell in a situation? If so, where did you get that idea?
2. Is responsibility something you choose or something that just stands as true?
3. How do you feel when you assign responsibility to someone or something else?
4. How do you fell when you decide you caused an event to occur, but at the same time Judge what you did, as wrong or bad?

If you’d like some coaching and assistance in moving from blame to responsibility please contact me and let’s see what we can do.