Personal Success and Communicating – Part I

What does it mean to be a good communicator? Does it mean that the message you transmit reaches its mark or intended recipient? Does it mean that the recipient understands the message when they receive it? Communicating is often thought about in terms of the clarity in which a message is transmitted. Yet we are so often part of moments in our day where the message that is transmitted leaves us with uncertainty about its meaning.

In NLP there is presupposition that the states “The meaning of the communication is the response you get.” Our personal success absolutely depends on the communication being  received and responded to the way we intended.

Consider this situation. A consultant is called in to resolve a conflict between two employees. The employees sit side by side in the office they work together in. At some stage between these two people, some communication transmitted was not received very well. Someone said something the other person didn‘t like. They felt hurt and thus the break down of their relationship began. When the consultant was called in, the “problem” was identified as two people who have personality clashes and who can‘t communicate. The consultant was told that the communication between these two people had now resorted to email only, even though they physically sit side by side. They never speak to each other, they just email.

Sound familiar?

Now for some of us we might find this hard to believe but it happens more often than perhaps we realize. Something is said, it is interpreted and then a response follows…or perhaps a ‘reaction’.  You know the difference between and response and a reaction don’t you?  About 10 seconds 🙂

Let‘s deconstruct this process of communication. Let‘s take the transmitter. Their world looks a particular way through their eyes. They use language to reflect the way they see their world. This language is their language expressed with their emotions. This language is expressed based on where they are at in their life at that precise moment in time. Their message travels to the recipient. The recipient has a different world, different language, and different emotions. As the message is being sent, it depends entirely on its meaning as to how the recipient chooses to understand it.

The differences in perception are based on each individual’s “filters”, i.e. beliefs, values, meta-programs, experiences, etc.   When we are not aware or unconsciousness of these filters we basically give away our personal power to the other person, at least during the communication.

Let‘s look at another example. One day Thomas is feeling tired and over worked. He is not feeling particularly fantastic about himself and is a little vulnerable. However no one in Thomas‘s world knows this except Thomas. Thomas goes to work and sits beside Alex. Alex has just found out that his best friend has been hurt in a car accident. He is really upset and finding it hard to concentrate on his work. It is at this point in time the Thomas communicates or transmits a message to Alex. Thomas asks Alex for a report that he needs with a tone in his voice that reflects his tiredness. He sounds impatient when asking for the report. Alex hears this impatience and cannot believe that Thomas is asking him for something in that way especially as he is worrying about his friend. He feels that the request with that tone sounds like he hasn‘t been working hard.

You can nearly see the explosion of fireworks between these two people. It‘s a bit like watching two missiles charging towards each other ready to hit…both have lost their personal power.

Both Alex and Thomas don‘t know how the other person is feeling. Their own needs override what is going on outside of them, in their environment. If neither person has the inner strength and takes the time to check in with each other, to get clarity around the tone of the message or how it was received, then this moment grows. The next message is built on the first message. A judgment (a mind read) is made now that clouds each message. A perception of each communicator is made. It stays with them and grows daily until they have each created a complete profile of the other person. They view the other person through this profile that they alone have created.

The only way to change the profile or communication occurring between these two people is for one of them to have the mindset to want to change it. Otherwise it will never change. The desire to improve their workplace environment must be so great that it forces them to look for ways to improve a situation. Some people will never use their mental strength to look for a solution, because in looking for a solution we have to look at both perspectives and understand what has occurred. It means looking at the role we play in this communication/relationship…taking personal responsibility. For some this is too threatening and they choose to leave the workplace instead. However their way of communicating goes with them. They will come across this again where ever they work.

This scenario is not about two people who have personality clashes, as they don‘t even know each other that well or where each other is at. This is not about people who can‘t communicate. They are both able to use language. This scenario is about two people who do not understand that when someone speaks, the message is about where the speaker is at. When someone hears a message, the recipient, the way in which they hear it depends on where they are at.

So let‘s go back and deconstruct this process of communication. If we always recognize that a message is based on the transmitter‘s world, judgments, perceptions, etc, then we will check in to ask questions about that world to get clarity about the message. We will also make sure that both the transmitter and the recipient understand the meaning of a message. As an example, let‘s look at the following message. “I meditate every day” says Thomas. Alex says, “Well done this is fantastic.” Or he may respond with, “What do you do to meditate or what do you mean by meditate everyday?” Thomas says, “I stop in the middle of my day and think about all the tasks I still need to do and list them.” This short moment of communication has now clarified what meditation means to Thomas and Alex understands this meaning now too. Alex may have had a completely different understanding of meditation. For Alex it may have meant sitting quietly in a space and following his rhythm of breathing for 15 minutes.

Let‘s take another example. You are watching the television and a reporter states that a leading company has just announced that over the next three years, interest rates are going to increase by 25%. Your immediate response may be to panic and think about what this means given you have a mortgage or you might think first about this transmitter of this message. You might ask yourself who is the leading company and in what are they leading? What is the context in which this message is being made? Until you get clarity on the message then it is best not to make assumptions about it.

We are constantly communicating, i.e. our body language, the words we speak, the way, then tone and the tremble in which we say them and now a days, we communicate more via e-mail, IM, Twitter and other social media.  To communicate effectively we need to use a mindset of excellence and take into consideration not just what we say when we communicate, but how and with what medium as we using….this ‘pause’ in consideration will take some mental strength at first, and when you become a proficient communicator because of it you will experience personal growth.

Nest week I’ll continue with some applications and deeper understanding of communicating.

If you’d like to find out more about the filters of communication and how to step into your personal power and become a better communicator so that you can achieve personal success sooner, pick up a copy of “Develop the Mental Strength of a Warrior” today.

If you’d really like to make fast progress towards realizing your full personal power and potential as well as develop the mindset of confidence, request your Introductory Consultation today!

I’d like to thank ICA for their inspiration and assistance on this topic.

OK…how do you feel you communicate?  What’s been a recent ‘miscommunication’ situation and how did you resolve it?  Please let me know in the comments below.