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“The wounds of our childhood heal slowly. If we allow them to lead us, we create new ones for ourselves and others.”
I’d like to express my appreciation to my coaching school, International Coach Academy, for their inspiration on this topic.
What’s the difference between responding and reacting?
About 10 seconds
Focus 1: Which Action to Choose
Our relationship with the world around us whether it be other people, things, or events, and our experience of life – is determined by the way in which we relate to it. Hence, it is our relationship with each one that truly determines what kind of life we have, lead and experience.
This is the foundation of perception is projection.
When people around us do or say something that involves us – directly or indirectly – we either RESPOND or REACT and there are consequences to each course of action. The same goes for when an event occurs in our life. We either respond or react to it.
For example, if someone bumps you constantly on the bus, you might find yourself feeling annoyed. You might be getting hooked into something while your feelings are coming out to the surface and you might even snap at the person.
When this happens, there is a reaction to the situation.
However, if you noticed those feelings of annoyance and frustration while thinking to yourself: “What can I do about this?,” and chose any number of Responsible actions, such as moving to a less crowded area, then the action is of Response.
The action of responding becomes an act of freedom and consequently has power within it. Response creates an opportunity and is in alignment with your commitments. It is also, by definition, an action of responsibility…which basically involves the ability to respond with a sense of consciousness, duty and trustworthiness.
The action of reacting, however, comes from somewhere in the past, and is powerless. It is powerless because the response is sometimes devoid of “a worthy and conscious action.” It is based on resistance or opposition without much thought. Reaction can often perpetuate a problem, or enlarge a complaint, and can even tear down, rather than build up a relationship. At any given point in our lives, we are always in one form of action: either a Response or a Reaction.
Thoughts to Ponder:
Answer the following questions, perhaps in the comment section or on a piece of paper.
- What are some common “reactions” you see in people or situations around you?
- What are some of the likely consequences of each of these?
- What “responses” have you noticed lately that were beneficial?
Commitments vs. Judgments and UAC’s (Underlying Automatic Commitments)
Reaction comes from Underlying Automatic Commitments (UAC’s – beliefs) or Judgments.
Response is a choice, and comes from personal empowerment, and a chosen commitment or perspective. An effective way to turn our reactions into responses is to discern our judgments behind them. Once you have clearly detected the judgment, you can choose to let the feeling and belief go, and instead, create a response.
Practice:
Exercise: Below is a list of events that can happen in life. Give an example of what a response or reaction might be for each case scenario. Also, what would be the implicit UAC and underlying judgment, in the case of a reaction.
Event Response Reaction Judgment Possible UAC
Picnic is rained out
Best friend wrecks car
Lose your job
Computer crashes
Focus 2: Detect, Label, Let Go and Respond
First of all, become aware of where you are “being trapped” or ‘hooked in’ to something or someone. Some clues that may help you find out if you are reacting and being ‘hooked in’ include: Not listening to what is being said; feeling of anger, annoyance, frustration, becoming defensive, giving back quick answers without thinking about them, or clearly understanding what you are saying.
It is very helpful to detect, or be aware of what is happening. One way to be able to detect it, is to say to yourself: “I am being hooked in to something right now, and I’m not sure what it is.” Or, “I’m feeling angry and frustrated at what just happened.”
Ultimately you might come right down to the Truth of the matter: “I felt powerless in that situation and feel I need to get some control. I’m reacting to this situation. What must I do to change it for the better?”
When faced with this situation, you can go even further to find the underlying judgment that is ‘making’ you react rather than “act.” When you say: “I’m not a strong or worthy person, and this is proving it!” – you know you are hearing a reaction.
But most of all, you are hearing how people view themselves. This judgment is the UAC you want to detect.
Once you have detected what the “entrapment” is, you can make a choice to either let it go or not. For instance, when you let go of something you may think along these lines: “I’m going to let that feeling of powerlessness go right now; at the very least, I’m not going to choose my actions from this feeling.”
But if you decide not to let go, then you may think: “I’m very angry right now and I’m not going to change this attitude.” In each case scenario, there are certain consequences to be faced. Certainly, to decide “to let go” is perhaps the easier path in life. Life tends to get better and better the more we follow this path.
Suppose you’ve noticed what the ‘hook in’ is and decide to label it for what it is. You’ve gotten to the truth of the matter, and labeled the judgment.
What do you do now?
Ask yourself, what are you committed to? Another way to look at it is by asking, “What new perspective would you like to shift into right now?”
Example:
One hour before the taxi cab arrived to take Jan and Brad to the airport on vacation, Jan told him that the relationship wasn’t going to work out. She still felt jealous about his friendships and couldn’t deal with it.
Brad had heard this “talk” several times before and was about to respond with a cutting comment, “Maybe you’re right. I’m sick of this.” But noticing the negative comment which was about to come out, he stopped himself.
Instead, he thought, “What’s going on here?” Suddenly, Brad realized he was scared of losing Jan. He was getting ‘enthused in her doubt’, and an old fear of abandonment started to surface. Realizing this, he was able to let go of that emotion. Searching quickly for guidance, he recalled he had promised to commit to Jan. They had talked about spending the rest of their lives together and working out any issue that may come up.
Decidedly, he said, “I’m your partner for life. I’m happy to talk this through with you, and do whatever you need from me. If you’ll trust me to work through this with you, let’s finish packing, get on the plane, and talk.” Afterwards, Brad and Jan had a great weekend away and ended up discussing marriage and family!
Questions to Consider
Answer the following questions either in the comments below, or on a piece of paper.
- Who do you know who responds to people and their surroundings?
- What do you think of them?
- Who do you know who reacts to people and their surroundings?
- What do you think of them?
- Distinguish the difference between responding and reacting and give an example of each.
Think about it:
Label, Let Go, Respond
Focus 3: When to Pull Out The Big Guns
While it is possible that great coaching can produce a shift in thought, sometimes even the best coaching will not be enough. A person may not be able to fully see the underlying situation. Or they may become fully aware, but not willing to let it go. If this is the case, then this may be one of those situations for other processes like NLP, Timeline Empowerment® or hypnosis.
Expression and Feelings
Try not to ignore your feelings. Instead become aware of them. Sometimes feelings come back again and again until you learn a lesson, or until they are released. There is something to be learned from when feelings keep emerging. They are coming up for a reason, for you to see them and deal with it. The negative consequence for ignoring your feelings, can lead to stress, sometimes sickness, or even disease.
You should identify and label feelings accordingly. The difference is you don’t need to act from them. Often when feelings are identified, surprisingly they disintegrate.
Therefore, it is possible to have a sense of control over them. But it is important to detect them and choose how to handle each feeling.
It’s helpful to express feelings, without having to react. Here is an example of a way to control an emotion: “I just realized I’ve been feeling defensive and taking your suggestions as criticism. I’m going to let that go now, and hear them as a contribution. I’m willing to listen.”
Holding on to an emotion may sound like this: “I’m feeling sad that you said that. It’s my issue anyway, nothing for you to worry about. I want to be left alone to explore this now.”
Another example: “I’m feeling angry because you’re late again. I love you and am not leaving, but I really want to let this out right now. Can you hear me?” In this case, there is a responsible sense of communication which includes the agreement to vent to the person who is listening. There is no blame label here even though there is an angry emotion being expressed. Both parties are clear that they are not to be blamed.
Reflection
- List the last time you repeatedly reacted to something. If you can’t find a specific instance, pick an example of a situation where you typically get angry.
- Identify the honest Truth about the situation. Detect the real feeling behind what is actually going on here.
- What is the underlying belief causing this reaction?
- Create a new Perspective or Commitment for yourself.
- What is a response you could choose next time this happens?
- Identify three situations where there is the possibility of a reaction. Instead, respond by using the “Detect, Label, Let Go and Respond” sequence from above.
- Notice some people reacting. See if you can label what is really going on for them. (Hint: Ask yourself: How are they feeling?)
- What freedom have you have gained in your own life from using this model…
Please post your feedback in the comment section below.
If you are ready to move from Reacting to Responding and would like assistance in naturalizing and releasing past negative emotions, please Contact Me so we can talk.
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